Words of Advice

When your wife, after a year or so of trying, triumphantly holds out a positive pregnancy test stick while shouting, "Honey, we're pregnant!," it is inadvisable to respond with: "Great. Now our lives are ruined." Because no matter how much you're joking when you say it, it will at some point come back to bite you in the ass.

Also, I'm confused about the whole "We're pregnant" phraseology. I mean, technically speaking, I'm not any more pregnant than I was before we got pregnant. And if we're going to assume that because we're a married couple that that somehow makes it okay to say we're both pregnant, then shouldn't I do the right thing and get drunk on a regular basis — since Raegan, herself, can't? After each bacchanalian binge, I could raise a glass, smile, and proudly shout, "Honey, we're drunk!" knowing I was doing my part; enabling Raegan to vicariously experience the celebratory splendor of the moment. After all, I'm drinking for two! Er, three!!

I'm assuming the same logic goes for other vices too.

Another bit of advice for new fathers: if you thought you could never win an argument with your wife before she got pregnant, for the next nine months it will be literally impossible to do so, as you will always be outvoted two to one. So just keep that in mind.